Postcards and Presentations

This morning I finally sent out a package to go oversees to some special friends that are in Malawi. As i sat there writing to them , once again I was overcome by emotions. Why? Why lord, why these two girls? what about them just gets me? - They welcomed me - immediately - warm hugs. They were loving and sweet right off the bat. The group as a whole meshed. There was unity, harmony. And more laughter than i had ever experienced. And then it hit me - HE loves me that much and more. The whole time I was there he showed me this simple fact. Of Not only how much He loves me but that He delights in me. And there was the root - JESUS. I saw Jesus in them. Their actions and words always pointing back. And there was the sweetness.
Grateful for sweet friendship and for Him. The common bond and unity and love that we share IN HIM.
So as I was overwhelmed by him - i wrote. And then I mailed. And the sweet things he showed me in the process of mailing . To mail this tiny package via FED EX or DHL was going to be around 300 bucks. Yup - I said yeah I can't do that. The clerk informed me but he could guarantee it would get there - with USPS there was a 25% - 35% chance in his opinion that it would get there.
Well my hope and security is not in man , or fed ex or dhl.  So I went with USPS - which the rate was 90% better - it would take a bit longer but I could afford to send it. Now it may not reach these girls but As I prayed that the box would be an encouragement and that he would deliver it to them or whoever needed it. I trusted that if someone was perhaps to steal it - that it would still minister - and be an encouragement to them - That the Lord would use it's contents. So it's on it's way. And i really do believe it will make it there.
The talk and interaction with the clerk this am was just so clear - there was so much talk about how awful and hard Africa is - he didn't even know where Malawi was - which honestly did any of us before we had heard about it. He said all the normal things - most of which are rooted in fear - much of which i myself had uttered before the Lord tore it all down.
And then the last thing said before I left for the post office - " I don't know why anyone would want to be a missionary, or why they would want to put there family in that position. "
And I responded - Because He's worth it. He is worth it all.
He's worthy of our praise, our adoration. He is worth it and worthy of us giving up everything for him. He died so that i could live. He ransomed me. He rescued me. And don't I , shouldn't I want others to know of the freedom only found in him. To know. That that one person is worth it.
He is so worth it and so much more.
I loose sight of that in the distractions sometimes. I get caught up and then I remember who holds me .

So with all of that - I am preparing to share with my home church about the trip.
I don't do well with lots of people, or talking in general. Give me one person and i'm alright. two - yeah i might can handle that. throw in more and well it gets rocky real quick.
I have somewhat of an idea of what i'm to share - he's forming it - i don't know how it's all gonna come together but he does.
And there's a bit of fear - I'm going to have to say words that aren't usually heard of during a sunday service. I mean we're talking about working with a sex trafficking focused mission / ministry.
So pray for me - There is opportunity here. For this Sunday.
I don't wanna get in the way , or put my agenda into it , and i have never done any sort of presentation so working with a power point and - ugh- I don't wanna get in the way
I want it to bring Glory to his name
 And I really want to challenge - how would the lord use you ?
If not with this organization then the two questions
What breaks your heart? And what makes you come alive ? And How would He bring those two together in your life to bring Glory to his name.

The Climb.

As I get back into life here , daily I'm unpacking and sorting through all the happened in Malawi.
One of the days there , we ended with a hike up a mountain , a 1,000 ft mountain , steep- i mean really steep, in Mponela - At sunset. I love outdoorsy things and hiking and walks and runs. But this mountain was steep. I was floored and humbled by how hard it was for me. I mean I should be able to climb this thing. I kept slipping out of my sandals. At one point having to trade shoes with a friend because it was so difficult. I could only go a few paces beforet having to stop. I kept telling myself - get it together! what is wrong with you! I eventually told everyone to just go ahead. Which honestly was the best thing - it gave me alone time to just sit before the Lord or stand rather weakly and seek him. 'Not my strength but his' kept going through my mind. I physically could not climb this mountain. It was so steep and I kept slipping. I had to wait and look closely to see where the next steps needed to be. I prayed and asked that he would just direct my feet. Show me the path. So I climbed the mountain. Leaning into him. I'd stop and look - seeing the surroundings , taking it in, not missing all that was around. I honestly think If I had been able I would have climbed that mountain and never looked back. I wouldn't have stopped to take in the surroundings, the sights, the smells. I could have climbed up and been like ok - now what. But I was slowed down. I had to stop. I struggled the whole way up. But it was a good struggle. It was a humbling time. I care sometimes a little too much what other people think - and I literally had to drop that half way up -that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. That I was on my own journey up the mountain with the Lord.
So this week the Lord revealed and gave the perfect summary of that climb.

" Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead , I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight , but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith- not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul.
Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also the more keenly you sense your separation with the world and it's problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk amount people again."

2 Cor 5:5 ; Psalm 96:6 , John 8:12; Psalm 36:9

Honestly this not only speaks to the mountain climb but to the entire trip, the entire journey - The getting there , the being there , the living after there in the daily day to day.

Africa Ruined Me.

Africa ruined me.
Before Africa I cared : When my house was cleaned. I was always on time or early. I planned - like down to the T planned. Details obsessed. OCD. I never just went through the day as it came - I started the day and planned it out - every bit. Thoughts rampant and wild.
And then I started preparing to go to Africa- the first thing to go - plans. You see I wasn't really allowed to plan anything-It was all out of my hands. Which was great - because I went with no expectations. no plans. no agendas.
We were never on time and it was great - but we'd be on time for what the Lord had. Sovereign.
We were always dirty - I mean I hand washed one of my skirts the other day and it still has dirt from Africa stuck in it. Dirty feet always- and it was fine. honestly it was more than fine.
I had a wedding today and normally I would have packed the night before and set everything out - run through everything a couple million times. nope. Did it this morning. I just through it all together - walked out the door confident that I had it all and that I could just give it to the Lord and trust him with it. I've been late to almost everything this week - having to actually make a point to set alarms or something to make sure I remember to get in the car.
Normally I clean the house every single week at the same time - and next week we're going out of town and I won't be able to clean the house - never mind the whole stress fraction to the right foot- I won't be able to - even dave won't have time and guess what it's not worth it -
I can't really go to the grocery store right now , i mean i can go along with dave if he went with me to help - but guess what he volunteered to go for me - alone - and yup i'm pumped. Normally I wouldn't let him - i'd wanna go to have some sort of control over the situation.
So yeah Africa ruined me and taught me grace. And that life really is ok and better without having a tight grip around every part of it. That honestly he's got it either way and it's just easier to just give it to him and trust.
Trust and Rest.
I got to live in that place of Trust and Rest.
And walking in what he has.
I really dislike how many distractions are here and how easy it is here to get distracted or anxious about really the simplest , littlest things.

Home Again

I'm sitting here and all i can think about is how bad it stinks in my house right now - it was so bad earlier we had to leave. The girls tub is stopped up again - so i put some heavy duty rank smelling stuff down the drain. It did the job but man.... welcome home.

It's hard to believe that last friday i boarded a plan. it was one of the hardest things to do - leaving. saying bye. not only did i have to say bye i had to do it twice. first to Haylie and Hannah who will be in Malawi till Dec. Then to Dan and David when we got to D.C. and parted ways / they caught their flight home. Talk about heart wrenching. It was then after the last goodbye , when I was completely alone that I started processing. I'm still processing.
I didn't realize this during the trip , but once i was home i saw it. I fell in love. I love in love with my Savior. Deeper.

I turned down a wedding today. a wedding. I've never done that. It seems insane to me.
The Lord has this funny way of calling me to things or places or using things that I would never have done or chosen. Africa - yup that wasn't on my list. Malawi - yeah that country in Africa definitely wasn't at the top of the list. When the Saints - I honestly hadn't given them much thought and they weren't the top either (it's ok - they so know it and love how God worked it all out.) I would have picked an organization focused on orphans or just plain old spreading the word. Not prostitution/sex trafficking.
And what did the Lord do - Africa, Malawi, When the Saints.
When I saw , no start over - when he showed me where I was gonna go and who I would be working with - well I saw it - but I didn't go deeper. I mean i knew his heart about adoption , I knew his heart for the poor and oppressed ( i didn't go deeper there - i focused on the poor part) . I didn't try to really understand his heart and how it lined up with this organization. I saw the organizations heart for the Lord.
I'm good at wall building and self protection - really good. Lets just say I didn't wanna let my guard down with this one - But oh how he works. I mean I didn't honestly think I'd do more than one or two trips with this group - I thought maybe i'd just hope from organization to organization.
And he totally could have more working with another one - who knows but I found myself at the end of the trip saying : Yup I wanna work more with y'all. And throughout this whole crazy time he gave a sensitivity to when to photograph and not - he gave a clear vision - he gave a heart that wanted not to just float and capture and bunch of stuff but to invest. All things that are not from me - I'm a pretty selfish person.
He spent a good portion of our mornings together , pointing out - showing me - his heart.
to set the captives free. his heart for the oppressed.
the broken hearted.
and he started softening my heart more and more - one loose brick at a time. spraying some ole windex on the eyes. wiping them off - i mean I did say to him clearly lord I wanna see.
So as he drew me closer in , I feel in love with him. I feel in love with what he is doing in Malawi. And then I feel in love with Malawi.

I started out this crazy journey wondering how this thing would work - could it work - I mean going oversees , leaving my family, to take pictures for an organization. He had me at such a place of , really? you want me to do what?? That i had no ideas , no agenda , no expectations. And . It. Was. Awesome.
And i got to see - yeah it's possible. And yes This is what he's called me too. Oh the sweet confidence he gave. that was rooted in him.

and the sweetness. Are you kidding me . you mean i get to do what i love ,what he gifted me with , what i'm passionate about - and I get to do it in the mission field, in africa ?
That you really do get everything in Jesus - Cake, icing, whip cream with sprinkles. in my case- Africa , photography, adventure, and Jesus.

He completely shook up how I viewed my business , he completely shook me up.
It's funny how when I know he's been clear - but i still doubt. I mean we were flying over there and I was still saying um yeah i'll believe it when we land - oh we're in africa? ( mini melt down in the bathroom as i'm being shoved in a stall and toward the sink - thinking what have a i done?!? )  ok yeah now I'll believe it when we land in lilongwe - oh we're here.....
So he'll be clear and I still doubt or wonder or question -

So I turned down a wedding.  Fully trusting that he'd bring more work if We needed the money.
That he always provides. But that I was to turn down this wedding and trust him.
So I turned it down.
So that, on that day, I can instead drive 8 hrs. to attend a dinner fundraiser banquet being thrown by When the Saints for When the Saints.

This may seems small to some but for me it's huge.