Home Again

I'm sitting here and all i can think about is how bad it stinks in my house right now - it was so bad earlier we had to leave. The girls tub is stopped up again - so i put some heavy duty rank smelling stuff down the drain. It did the job but man.... welcome home.

It's hard to believe that last friday i boarded a plan. it was one of the hardest things to do - leaving. saying bye. not only did i have to say bye i had to do it twice. first to Haylie and Hannah who will be in Malawi till Dec. Then to Dan and David when we got to D.C. and parted ways / they caught their flight home. Talk about heart wrenching. It was then after the last goodbye , when I was completely alone that I started processing. I'm still processing.
I didn't realize this during the trip , but once i was home i saw it. I fell in love. I love in love with my Savior. Deeper.

I turned down a wedding today. a wedding. I've never done that. It seems insane to me.
The Lord has this funny way of calling me to things or places or using things that I would never have done or chosen. Africa - yup that wasn't on my list. Malawi - yeah that country in Africa definitely wasn't at the top of the list. When the Saints - I honestly hadn't given them much thought and they weren't the top either (it's ok - they so know it and love how God worked it all out.) I would have picked an organization focused on orphans or just plain old spreading the word. Not prostitution/sex trafficking.
And what did the Lord do - Africa, Malawi, When the Saints.
When I saw , no start over - when he showed me where I was gonna go and who I would be working with - well I saw it - but I didn't go deeper. I mean i knew his heart about adoption , I knew his heart for the poor and oppressed ( i didn't go deeper there - i focused on the poor part) . I didn't try to really understand his heart and how it lined up with this organization. I saw the organizations heart for the Lord.
I'm good at wall building and self protection - really good. Lets just say I didn't wanna let my guard down with this one - But oh how he works. I mean I didn't honestly think I'd do more than one or two trips with this group - I thought maybe i'd just hope from organization to organization.
And he totally could have more working with another one - who knows but I found myself at the end of the trip saying : Yup I wanna work more with y'all. And throughout this whole crazy time he gave a sensitivity to when to photograph and not - he gave a clear vision - he gave a heart that wanted not to just float and capture and bunch of stuff but to invest. All things that are not from me - I'm a pretty selfish person.
He spent a good portion of our mornings together , pointing out - showing me - his heart.
to set the captives free. his heart for the oppressed.
the broken hearted.
and he started softening my heart more and more - one loose brick at a time. spraying some ole windex on the eyes. wiping them off - i mean I did say to him clearly lord I wanna see.
So as he drew me closer in , I feel in love with him. I feel in love with what he is doing in Malawi. And then I feel in love with Malawi.

I started out this crazy journey wondering how this thing would work - could it work - I mean going oversees , leaving my family, to take pictures for an organization. He had me at such a place of , really? you want me to do what?? That i had no ideas , no agenda , no expectations. And . It. Was. Awesome.
And i got to see - yeah it's possible. And yes This is what he's called me too. Oh the sweet confidence he gave. that was rooted in him.

and the sweetness. Are you kidding me . you mean i get to do what i love ,what he gifted me with , what i'm passionate about - and I get to do it in the mission field, in africa ?
That you really do get everything in Jesus - Cake, icing, whip cream with sprinkles. in my case- Africa , photography, adventure, and Jesus.

He completely shook up how I viewed my business , he completely shook me up.
It's funny how when I know he's been clear - but i still doubt. I mean we were flying over there and I was still saying um yeah i'll believe it when we land - oh we're in africa? ( mini melt down in the bathroom as i'm being shoved in a stall and toward the sink - thinking what have a i done?!? )  ok yeah now I'll believe it when we land in lilongwe - oh we're here.....
So he'll be clear and I still doubt or wonder or question -

So I turned down a wedding.  Fully trusting that he'd bring more work if We needed the money.
That he always provides. But that I was to turn down this wedding and trust him.
So I turned it down.
So that, on that day, I can instead drive 8 hrs. to attend a dinner fundraiser banquet being thrown by When the Saints for When the Saints.

This may seems small to some but for me it's huge.