I need Him more.

It's a new year and I'm back in this same season of waiting - waiting for the Lord to direct and make clear what this year is to hold , where i am to go and when. Waiting. 

It's been almost 3 months since i've been home. Before I left and during my time there and maybe even when i got back at first my quiet times where long and lush . I never wanted to leave them. At some point i just started breezing thru them in the rush and bustle and didn't soak in them - a little before Christmas I started to realize this when i'd go back and look over readings and not remember reading them. So before the day before our Christmas (we celebrate our families christmas day as christmas eve.) I decided to fast (lead of the Lord) and my husband joined in with me. I spent the day in the word, in prayer and in worship. It was wonderful. As i walked through the day i realized how quick i had come to just sink back in , it snuck up - that instead of praying before each meeting or coming in contact with people. instead of asking the lord to show me what he had or to give me eyes to see where he would want me to go and spend my time i just ran into the day with my own agenda. I missed this. It was refreshing , convicting, and just pointed straight back to him. 

Then the craziness of the holidays and families and visits and everything hit. This week is the first week i really feel like i'm getting back to me - who i am in him. The quiet, the purposeful sitting in front of him time. 

This song pretty much sums it up. 

So here we are in the middle of this rushing through I stopped processing . I tucked everything away - sealed in a box and built a wall around it. Maybe it was the noise and busyness that made it easy. 

That worked for a time - but none of it went away it was all still there. Of course in his gentleness all of that broke down and became unsealed. In the stillness and quiet. And finally I decided to dive right in. into the place , that place with him. Letting him heal and move and reveal it all. And it's a process and it's slow - But i'm thankful as he reveals. And that he hasn't let me just stay there. 

So for the first time in a while I don't feel heavy , I feel like I can breathe and see and that the fog has lifted. The simple refreshment that comes with just being with him. 

So I'm excited and Expectant about this year. He's already had me waiting on a lot. Little things here and there and it's been so good and so right. 

On another random note - next week (tuesday ) will be my 9 year anniversary with my husband. I'm excited to be celebrating it with him this weekend. If you could pray for us. Pray for him. That the Lord would continue to move in him. That he would be able to sit before the Lord and hear from him. He has such a neat special heart and is in a place of "Whatever Lord " "Wherever Lord" 

And that the Lord would continue to draw us not only closer as a couple but closer as a couple to him. That we would steward well what he gives and that we would be examples of Christ's love to our children. That they would come to know him deeply. For sweet z (my youngest)  to come to know him as savior. 

For me - I just ask that you would pray for Africa and India. 

And that I would be compelled by love. 

And to live from the reality that I have everything I could possibly need in Him. 

He provides it all. 

It's been a hard week. Before I go into this I want to say even though it's been hard it's been good. The Lord has sweetly gifted moments and encouragement through it all. We got to see Seryn for free last night ( a huge refresher for my husband and i ) and we get to go on a retreat together tomorrow. A needed get away.

It's been hard. We had some very small itchy visitors this week that come to our house via the school on my oldest child's head. are you itchy yet ? get ready.
LICE.
Tuesday we got lice. supposedly only Riley has had - we caught it early. My dryer and washing machine have been going non stop since I returned with the first load from the laundry matt at 1030 Tuesday night.
I have felt more emotionally drained , physically drained, and spiritual drained this week than I have in a long time. I normally don't say the words - i just can't . This week I did.
I sat undone , a mess before my God and just wept. On top of everything else why this? And i heard horror story after horror story of it taking forever to go away- so all i saw was the immense never ending battle and i wept. sobbed.
I didn't see it as just one day at a time - i saw it as an eternity. sometimes i still see it that way.

My husband and I were talking about all of it and how it's so taboo. You say the word lice and people back away - and i don't blame them really. But at the same time it hurts.

Throughout this week he has taken me to the same passage again and again.

Habukkuk 3:17-19

¹⁷ Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
    He makes me as surefooted as a deer,^[a]
    able to tread upon the heights.

Just a few personal photos taken with my phone. 

As we get closer to the end of the year , I'm looking at how I'l be spending some of my off time in December. I have a few projects I'll be working on for some people but I'm really excited about a personal project I'll be doing. In talking with other mission photographers and missionaries and organizations it's been clear about some of the things I need to do and I've been given some fun ideas. One of which is a book , which honestly my husband had wanted me to do with the pictures before I even went on my first trip. So I'll be taking my photos and complying a photo books - nothing major  but something that is really good quality - and that if we wanted to could be made available to others if they wanted copies. (I'm still seeking the Lord about allowing this option)  - The specific missionary that the Lord used to affirm this vision had worked in an Eastern Country where you can't really say you are a missionary and their reason for being there was to create a book - that's what they told people when they were asked- so he used photography as his way in. So we talked at length about that and I shared my fears and doubts and concerns and it was such a neat time of just sharing and talking.

I'm thinking that after the first one is printed that If anyone was to be interested in purchasing --that the profits / funds will go in turn to When The Saints. I have no idea what the book will look like or if anyone will want one. But I thought it would be another neat way in spreading the word about what he is doing and a neat way to share it. But like I said right now it's just a thought and i'm only starting with making just the one.

We'll see what the Lord does.

Show me your Glory

I'm a blogger avoider. If it wasn't obvious enough.
Friday I was going to attempt but like i said - avoider. And here's the problem in that - so much happens in between posts that when i do posts it's just pure craziness- 3 posts crammed into one - no clear focus. Maybe one day I'll learn.

A Few weeks ago I went up to St. Louis for When the Saints 3rd annual banquet. It was an amazing night - they raised 62,000 - IN ONE NIGHT! Oh the sweet goodness of the Lord - His providing. I think I expected it to be that much. I had seen or well heard of how he showed up continually in this organization- I had seen him working - His hand was evident. So of course he was going to provide again. No doubt. It was a blessing and an encouragement to be there in that room with like minded people and individuals with similar hearts.
But in all of it the sweetest time was the drive up - I had 7 hrs of worship time with the Lord, time of just laying my heart out there. And just being alone with him. It was amazing and sweet and precious.
He also gifted sweet moments in the short time i was there with sweet friends - just getting to talk or rub elbows with them. The whole weekend was purposeful - it was clear I was to be there. It ministered to my heart to be there - A freezing cold walk at art hill, driving around the city sunday morning. Church with our extended faith family. I can't even go into really talking about them because my heart would probably come undone. He's sown my heart this year to two places for sure. This being one of them.
I was so thankful that he allowed me to go up there, but as I looked at why , what did he have for me for that weekend - it was that drive. That precious alone time. That he loves me that much. To care , to want and specifically not only carve out the time but sow it in my heart - that longing of Him.
I love my field trip of a life with Him. There is nothing greater. Though the world says other wise and man there are many distractions here and things that my eyes look at and I forget . I get caught up so easily. And I hate it. Those distractions.
He really is sweeter than anything else I've ever tasted. And I don't want the bitter bad rotten molding death fruit. I want the life giving.

This past weekend I had an engagement session. And the last half was in this gorgeous wheat field that he had lead me to on friday . I basically drove and asked him where to go . I got on the trace turned the direction he was guiding me and said ok Lord I'm trusting you , you know what I need and I'm just gonna keep driving till I get there. And bam he lead me there - it really was perfect. So he had the session there - and the dark storm clouds were rolling in and the sun was setting. cool wind blowing. And this morning I'm sitting , listening to music , worshipping him and I'm just longing for that field. To take my blanket , park on the side of the road and just go sit. It has become my new favorite spot. His creativity and beauty on display.

" I long to look on the face of the one that I love, Long to stay in your presence , it's where I belong "
This is my heart cry . I can't get enough of Him. I want to just stay in his presence. sitting with him. continually. Living in that place.

Postcards and Presentations

This morning I finally sent out a package to go oversees to some special friends that are in Malawi. As i sat there writing to them , once again I was overcome by emotions. Why? Why lord, why these two girls? what about them just gets me? - They welcomed me - immediately - warm hugs. They were loving and sweet right off the bat. The group as a whole meshed. There was unity, harmony. And more laughter than i had ever experienced. And then it hit me - HE loves me that much and more. The whole time I was there he showed me this simple fact. Of Not only how much He loves me but that He delights in me. And there was the root - JESUS. I saw Jesus in them. Their actions and words always pointing back. And there was the sweetness.
Grateful for sweet friendship and for Him. The common bond and unity and love that we share IN HIM.
So as I was overwhelmed by him - i wrote. And then I mailed. And the sweet things he showed me in the process of mailing . To mail this tiny package via FED EX or DHL was going to be around 300 bucks. Yup - I said yeah I can't do that. The clerk informed me but he could guarantee it would get there - with USPS there was a 25% - 35% chance in his opinion that it would get there.
Well my hope and security is not in man , or fed ex or dhl.  So I went with USPS - which the rate was 90% better - it would take a bit longer but I could afford to send it. Now it may not reach these girls but As I prayed that the box would be an encouragement and that he would deliver it to them or whoever needed it. I trusted that if someone was perhaps to steal it - that it would still minister - and be an encouragement to them - That the Lord would use it's contents. So it's on it's way. And i really do believe it will make it there.
The talk and interaction with the clerk this am was just so clear - there was so much talk about how awful and hard Africa is - he didn't even know where Malawi was - which honestly did any of us before we had heard about it. He said all the normal things - most of which are rooted in fear - much of which i myself had uttered before the Lord tore it all down.
And then the last thing said before I left for the post office - " I don't know why anyone would want to be a missionary, or why they would want to put there family in that position. "
And I responded - Because He's worth it. He is worth it all.
He's worthy of our praise, our adoration. He is worth it and worthy of us giving up everything for him. He died so that i could live. He ransomed me. He rescued me. And don't I , shouldn't I want others to know of the freedom only found in him. To know. That that one person is worth it.
He is so worth it and so much more.
I loose sight of that in the distractions sometimes. I get caught up and then I remember who holds me .

So with all of that - I am preparing to share with my home church about the trip.
I don't do well with lots of people, or talking in general. Give me one person and i'm alright. two - yeah i might can handle that. throw in more and well it gets rocky real quick.
I have somewhat of an idea of what i'm to share - he's forming it - i don't know how it's all gonna come together but he does.
And there's a bit of fear - I'm going to have to say words that aren't usually heard of during a sunday service. I mean we're talking about working with a sex trafficking focused mission / ministry.
So pray for me - There is opportunity here. For this Sunday.
I don't wanna get in the way , or put my agenda into it , and i have never done any sort of presentation so working with a power point and - ugh- I don't wanna get in the way
I want it to bring Glory to his name
 And I really want to challenge - how would the lord use you ?
If not with this organization then the two questions
What breaks your heart? And what makes you come alive ? And How would He bring those two together in your life to bring Glory to his name.

The Climb.

As I get back into life here , daily I'm unpacking and sorting through all the happened in Malawi.
One of the days there , we ended with a hike up a mountain , a 1,000 ft mountain , steep- i mean really steep, in Mponela - At sunset. I love outdoorsy things and hiking and walks and runs. But this mountain was steep. I was floored and humbled by how hard it was for me. I mean I should be able to climb this thing. I kept slipping out of my sandals. At one point having to trade shoes with a friend because it was so difficult. I could only go a few paces beforet having to stop. I kept telling myself - get it together! what is wrong with you! I eventually told everyone to just go ahead. Which honestly was the best thing - it gave me alone time to just sit before the Lord or stand rather weakly and seek him. 'Not my strength but his' kept going through my mind. I physically could not climb this mountain. It was so steep and I kept slipping. I had to wait and look closely to see where the next steps needed to be. I prayed and asked that he would just direct my feet. Show me the path. So I climbed the mountain. Leaning into him. I'd stop and look - seeing the surroundings , taking it in, not missing all that was around. I honestly think If I had been able I would have climbed that mountain and never looked back. I wouldn't have stopped to take in the surroundings, the sights, the smells. I could have climbed up and been like ok - now what. But I was slowed down. I had to stop. I struggled the whole way up. But it was a good struggle. It was a humbling time. I care sometimes a little too much what other people think - and I literally had to drop that half way up -that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. That I was on my own journey up the mountain with the Lord.
So this week the Lord revealed and gave the perfect summary of that climb.

" Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead , I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight , but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith- not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul.
Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also the more keenly you sense your separation with the world and it's problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk amount people again."

2 Cor 5:5 ; Psalm 96:6 , John 8:12; Psalm 36:9

Honestly this not only speaks to the mountain climb but to the entire trip, the entire journey - The getting there , the being there , the living after there in the daily day to day.