It's been a hard week. Before I go into this I want to say even though it's been hard it's been good. The Lord has sweetly gifted moments and encouragement through it all. We got to see Seryn for free last night ( a huge refresher for my husband and i ) and we get to go on a retreat together tomorrow. A needed get away.

It's been hard. We had some very small itchy visitors this week that come to our house via the school on my oldest child's head. are you itchy yet ? get ready.
LICE.
Tuesday we got lice. supposedly only Riley has had - we caught it early. My dryer and washing machine have been going non stop since I returned with the first load from the laundry matt at 1030 Tuesday night.
I have felt more emotionally drained , physically drained, and spiritual drained this week than I have in a long time. I normally don't say the words - i just can't . This week I did.
I sat undone , a mess before my God and just wept. On top of everything else why this? And i heard horror story after horror story of it taking forever to go away- so all i saw was the immense never ending battle and i wept. sobbed.
I didn't see it as just one day at a time - i saw it as an eternity. sometimes i still see it that way.

My husband and I were talking about all of it and how it's so taboo. You say the word lice and people back away - and i don't blame them really. But at the same time it hurts.

Throughout this week he has taken me to the same passage again and again.

Habukkuk 3:17-19

¹⁷ Even though the fig trees have no blossoms,
    and there are no grapes on the vines;
even though the olive crop fails,
    and the fields lie empty and barren;
even though the flocks die in the fields,
    and the cattle barns are empty,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord!
    I will be joyful in the God of my salvation!
¹⁹ The Sovereign Lord is my strength!
    He makes me as surefooted as a deer,^[a]
    able to tread upon the heights.

Just a few personal photos taken with my phone. 

As we get closer to the end of the year , I'm looking at how I'l be spending some of my off time in December. I have a few projects I'll be working on for some people but I'm really excited about a personal project I'll be doing. In talking with other mission photographers and missionaries and organizations it's been clear about some of the things I need to do and I've been given some fun ideas. One of which is a book , which honestly my husband had wanted me to do with the pictures before I even went on my first trip. So I'll be taking my photos and complying a photo books - nothing major  but something that is really good quality - and that if we wanted to could be made available to others if they wanted copies. (I'm still seeking the Lord about allowing this option)  - The specific missionary that the Lord used to affirm this vision had worked in an Eastern Country where you can't really say you are a missionary and their reason for being there was to create a book - that's what they told people when they were asked- so he used photography as his way in. So we talked at length about that and I shared my fears and doubts and concerns and it was such a neat time of just sharing and talking.

I'm thinking that after the first one is printed that If anyone was to be interested in purchasing --that the profits / funds will go in turn to When The Saints. I have no idea what the book will look like or if anyone will want one. But I thought it would be another neat way in spreading the word about what he is doing and a neat way to share it. But like I said right now it's just a thought and i'm only starting with making just the one.

We'll see what the Lord does.

Show me your Glory

I'm a blogger avoider. If it wasn't obvious enough.
Friday I was going to attempt but like i said - avoider. And here's the problem in that - so much happens in between posts that when i do posts it's just pure craziness- 3 posts crammed into one - no clear focus. Maybe one day I'll learn.

A Few weeks ago I went up to St. Louis for When the Saints 3rd annual banquet. It was an amazing night - they raised 62,000 - IN ONE NIGHT! Oh the sweet goodness of the Lord - His providing. I think I expected it to be that much. I had seen or well heard of how he showed up continually in this organization- I had seen him working - His hand was evident. So of course he was going to provide again. No doubt. It was a blessing and an encouragement to be there in that room with like minded people and individuals with similar hearts.
But in all of it the sweetest time was the drive up - I had 7 hrs of worship time with the Lord, time of just laying my heart out there. And just being alone with him. It was amazing and sweet and precious.
He also gifted sweet moments in the short time i was there with sweet friends - just getting to talk or rub elbows with them. The whole weekend was purposeful - it was clear I was to be there. It ministered to my heart to be there - A freezing cold walk at art hill, driving around the city sunday morning. Church with our extended faith family. I can't even go into really talking about them because my heart would probably come undone. He's sown my heart this year to two places for sure. This being one of them.
I was so thankful that he allowed me to go up there, but as I looked at why , what did he have for me for that weekend - it was that drive. That precious alone time. That he loves me that much. To care , to want and specifically not only carve out the time but sow it in my heart - that longing of Him.
I love my field trip of a life with Him. There is nothing greater. Though the world says other wise and man there are many distractions here and things that my eyes look at and I forget . I get caught up so easily. And I hate it. Those distractions.
He really is sweeter than anything else I've ever tasted. And I don't want the bitter bad rotten molding death fruit. I want the life giving.

This past weekend I had an engagement session. And the last half was in this gorgeous wheat field that he had lead me to on friday . I basically drove and asked him where to go . I got on the trace turned the direction he was guiding me and said ok Lord I'm trusting you , you know what I need and I'm just gonna keep driving till I get there. And bam he lead me there - it really was perfect. So he had the session there - and the dark storm clouds were rolling in and the sun was setting. cool wind blowing. And this morning I'm sitting , listening to music , worshipping him and I'm just longing for that field. To take my blanket , park on the side of the road and just go sit. It has become my new favorite spot. His creativity and beauty on display.

" I long to look on the face of the one that I love, Long to stay in your presence , it's where I belong "
This is my heart cry . I can't get enough of Him. I want to just stay in his presence. sitting with him. continually. Living in that place.

Postcards and Presentations

This morning I finally sent out a package to go oversees to some special friends that are in Malawi. As i sat there writing to them , once again I was overcome by emotions. Why? Why lord, why these two girls? what about them just gets me? - They welcomed me - immediately - warm hugs. They were loving and sweet right off the bat. The group as a whole meshed. There was unity, harmony. And more laughter than i had ever experienced. And then it hit me - HE loves me that much and more. The whole time I was there he showed me this simple fact. Of Not only how much He loves me but that He delights in me. And there was the root - JESUS. I saw Jesus in them. Their actions and words always pointing back. And there was the sweetness.
Grateful for sweet friendship and for Him. The common bond and unity and love that we share IN HIM.
So as I was overwhelmed by him - i wrote. And then I mailed. And the sweet things he showed me in the process of mailing . To mail this tiny package via FED EX or DHL was going to be around 300 bucks. Yup - I said yeah I can't do that. The clerk informed me but he could guarantee it would get there - with USPS there was a 25% - 35% chance in his opinion that it would get there.
Well my hope and security is not in man , or fed ex or dhl.  So I went with USPS - which the rate was 90% better - it would take a bit longer but I could afford to send it. Now it may not reach these girls but As I prayed that the box would be an encouragement and that he would deliver it to them or whoever needed it. I trusted that if someone was perhaps to steal it - that it would still minister - and be an encouragement to them - That the Lord would use it's contents. So it's on it's way. And i really do believe it will make it there.
The talk and interaction with the clerk this am was just so clear - there was so much talk about how awful and hard Africa is - he didn't even know where Malawi was - which honestly did any of us before we had heard about it. He said all the normal things - most of which are rooted in fear - much of which i myself had uttered before the Lord tore it all down.
And then the last thing said before I left for the post office - " I don't know why anyone would want to be a missionary, or why they would want to put there family in that position. "
And I responded - Because He's worth it. He is worth it all.
He's worthy of our praise, our adoration. He is worth it and worthy of us giving up everything for him. He died so that i could live. He ransomed me. He rescued me. And don't I , shouldn't I want others to know of the freedom only found in him. To know. That that one person is worth it.
He is so worth it and so much more.
I loose sight of that in the distractions sometimes. I get caught up and then I remember who holds me .

So with all of that - I am preparing to share with my home church about the trip.
I don't do well with lots of people, or talking in general. Give me one person and i'm alright. two - yeah i might can handle that. throw in more and well it gets rocky real quick.
I have somewhat of an idea of what i'm to share - he's forming it - i don't know how it's all gonna come together but he does.
And there's a bit of fear - I'm going to have to say words that aren't usually heard of during a sunday service. I mean we're talking about working with a sex trafficking focused mission / ministry.
So pray for me - There is opportunity here. For this Sunday.
I don't wanna get in the way , or put my agenda into it , and i have never done any sort of presentation so working with a power point and - ugh- I don't wanna get in the way
I want it to bring Glory to his name
 And I really want to challenge - how would the lord use you ?
If not with this organization then the two questions
What breaks your heart? And what makes you come alive ? And How would He bring those two together in your life to bring Glory to his name.

The Climb.

As I get back into life here , daily I'm unpacking and sorting through all the happened in Malawi.
One of the days there , we ended with a hike up a mountain , a 1,000 ft mountain , steep- i mean really steep, in Mponela - At sunset. I love outdoorsy things and hiking and walks and runs. But this mountain was steep. I was floored and humbled by how hard it was for me. I mean I should be able to climb this thing. I kept slipping out of my sandals. At one point having to trade shoes with a friend because it was so difficult. I could only go a few paces beforet having to stop. I kept telling myself - get it together! what is wrong with you! I eventually told everyone to just go ahead. Which honestly was the best thing - it gave me alone time to just sit before the Lord or stand rather weakly and seek him. 'Not my strength but his' kept going through my mind. I physically could not climb this mountain. It was so steep and I kept slipping. I had to wait and look closely to see where the next steps needed to be. I prayed and asked that he would just direct my feet. Show me the path. So I climbed the mountain. Leaning into him. I'd stop and look - seeing the surroundings , taking it in, not missing all that was around. I honestly think If I had been able I would have climbed that mountain and never looked back. I wouldn't have stopped to take in the surroundings, the sights, the smells. I could have climbed up and been like ok - now what. But I was slowed down. I had to stop. I struggled the whole way up. But it was a good struggle. It was a humbling time. I care sometimes a little too much what other people think - and I literally had to drop that half way up -that it didn't matter what anyone else thought. That I was on my own journey up the mountain with the Lord.
So this week the Lord revealed and gave the perfect summary of that climb.

" Be willing to follow wherever I lead. Follow Me wholeheartedly, with glad anticipation quickening your pace. Though you don't know what lies ahead , I know; and that is enough! Some of My richest blessings are just around the bend: out of sight , but nonetheless very real. To receive these gifts, you must walk by faith- not by sight. This doesn't mean closing your eyes to what is all around you. It means subordinating the visible world to the invisible Shepherd of your soul.
Sometimes I lead you up a high mountain with only My hand to support you. The higher you climb, the more spectacular the view becomes; also the more keenly you sense your separation with the world and it's problems. This frees you to experience exuberantly the joyous reality of My presence. Give yourself fully to these Glory-moments, awash in dazzling Light. I will eventually lead you down the mountain, back into community with others. Let My Light continue to shine within you as you walk amount people again."

2 Cor 5:5 ; Psalm 96:6 , John 8:12; Psalm 36:9

Honestly this not only speaks to the mountain climb but to the entire trip, the entire journey - The getting there , the being there , the living after there in the daily day to day.

Africa Ruined Me.

Africa ruined me.
Before Africa I cared : When my house was cleaned. I was always on time or early. I planned - like down to the T planned. Details obsessed. OCD. I never just went through the day as it came - I started the day and planned it out - every bit. Thoughts rampant and wild.
And then I started preparing to go to Africa- the first thing to go - plans. You see I wasn't really allowed to plan anything-It was all out of my hands. Which was great - because I went with no expectations. no plans. no agendas.
We were never on time and it was great - but we'd be on time for what the Lord had. Sovereign.
We were always dirty - I mean I hand washed one of my skirts the other day and it still has dirt from Africa stuck in it. Dirty feet always- and it was fine. honestly it was more than fine.
I had a wedding today and normally I would have packed the night before and set everything out - run through everything a couple million times. nope. Did it this morning. I just through it all together - walked out the door confident that I had it all and that I could just give it to the Lord and trust him with it. I've been late to almost everything this week - having to actually make a point to set alarms or something to make sure I remember to get in the car.
Normally I clean the house every single week at the same time - and next week we're going out of town and I won't be able to clean the house - never mind the whole stress fraction to the right foot- I won't be able to - even dave won't have time and guess what it's not worth it -
I can't really go to the grocery store right now , i mean i can go along with dave if he went with me to help - but guess what he volunteered to go for me - alone - and yup i'm pumped. Normally I wouldn't let him - i'd wanna go to have some sort of control over the situation.
So yeah Africa ruined me and taught me grace. And that life really is ok and better without having a tight grip around every part of it. That honestly he's got it either way and it's just easier to just give it to him and trust.
Trust and Rest.
I got to live in that place of Trust and Rest.
And walking in what he has.
I really dislike how many distractions are here and how easy it is here to get distracted or anxious about really the simplest , littlest things.

Home Again

I'm sitting here and all i can think about is how bad it stinks in my house right now - it was so bad earlier we had to leave. The girls tub is stopped up again - so i put some heavy duty rank smelling stuff down the drain. It did the job but man.... welcome home.

It's hard to believe that last friday i boarded a plan. it was one of the hardest things to do - leaving. saying bye. not only did i have to say bye i had to do it twice. first to Haylie and Hannah who will be in Malawi till Dec. Then to Dan and David when we got to D.C. and parted ways / they caught their flight home. Talk about heart wrenching. It was then after the last goodbye , when I was completely alone that I started processing. I'm still processing.
I didn't realize this during the trip , but once i was home i saw it. I fell in love. I love in love with my Savior. Deeper.

I turned down a wedding today. a wedding. I've never done that. It seems insane to me.
The Lord has this funny way of calling me to things or places or using things that I would never have done or chosen. Africa - yup that wasn't on my list. Malawi - yeah that country in Africa definitely wasn't at the top of the list. When the Saints - I honestly hadn't given them much thought and they weren't the top either (it's ok - they so know it and love how God worked it all out.) I would have picked an organization focused on orphans or just plain old spreading the word. Not prostitution/sex trafficking.
And what did the Lord do - Africa, Malawi, When the Saints.
When I saw , no start over - when he showed me where I was gonna go and who I would be working with - well I saw it - but I didn't go deeper. I mean i knew his heart about adoption , I knew his heart for the poor and oppressed ( i didn't go deeper there - i focused on the poor part) . I didn't try to really understand his heart and how it lined up with this organization. I saw the organizations heart for the Lord.
I'm good at wall building and self protection - really good. Lets just say I didn't wanna let my guard down with this one - But oh how he works. I mean I didn't honestly think I'd do more than one or two trips with this group - I thought maybe i'd just hope from organization to organization.
And he totally could have more working with another one - who knows but I found myself at the end of the trip saying : Yup I wanna work more with y'all. And throughout this whole crazy time he gave a sensitivity to when to photograph and not - he gave a clear vision - he gave a heart that wanted not to just float and capture and bunch of stuff but to invest. All things that are not from me - I'm a pretty selfish person.
He spent a good portion of our mornings together , pointing out - showing me - his heart.
to set the captives free. his heart for the oppressed.
the broken hearted.
and he started softening my heart more and more - one loose brick at a time. spraying some ole windex on the eyes. wiping them off - i mean I did say to him clearly lord I wanna see.
So as he drew me closer in , I feel in love with him. I feel in love with what he is doing in Malawi. And then I feel in love with Malawi.

I started out this crazy journey wondering how this thing would work - could it work - I mean going oversees , leaving my family, to take pictures for an organization. He had me at such a place of , really? you want me to do what?? That i had no ideas , no agenda , no expectations. And . It. Was. Awesome.
And i got to see - yeah it's possible. And yes This is what he's called me too. Oh the sweet confidence he gave. that was rooted in him.

and the sweetness. Are you kidding me . you mean i get to do what i love ,what he gifted me with , what i'm passionate about - and I get to do it in the mission field, in africa ?
That you really do get everything in Jesus - Cake, icing, whip cream with sprinkles. in my case- Africa , photography, adventure, and Jesus.

He completely shook up how I viewed my business , he completely shook me up.
It's funny how when I know he's been clear - but i still doubt. I mean we were flying over there and I was still saying um yeah i'll believe it when we land - oh we're in africa? ( mini melt down in the bathroom as i'm being shoved in a stall and toward the sink - thinking what have a i done?!? )  ok yeah now I'll believe it when we land in lilongwe - oh we're here.....
So he'll be clear and I still doubt or wonder or question -

So I turned down a wedding.  Fully trusting that he'd bring more work if We needed the money.
That he always provides. But that I was to turn down this wedding and trust him.
So I turned it down.
So that, on that day, I can instead drive 8 hrs. to attend a dinner fundraiser banquet being thrown by When the Saints for When the Saints.

This may seems small to some but for me it's huge.

He makes broken things new

So life got crazy after the last post.
my car died
the pup got sicker and actually passed away yesterday.
I spent the weekend and today focusing primarily on family and getting in some dates with friends and such.
It's been crazy. And tomorrow morning I'll pack up the remainder of my stuff. Take off my wedding bands - ya know the whole don't wear jewelry thing (which i've never had off more than a couple of hours for child birthing.). Grab a plane and start the journey to Africa.

Yesterday at Church they ended out the service with calling dave and i to the front. Our Pastor spoke a bit about the trip - I said a few words, The elders joined us at the front - surrounded us and prayed for us.
If you don't know our story well here's your chance. I don't share it too often. We don't speak of it really unless it's asked. I tend to hide behind those wedding bands. The appearance of a well put together family. Enough newer people have come to our church in the past 9 years that I can hide behind that ring. I can share and be vulnerable and share my struggle and yuck ..... but we won't go that far or that deep into the muck. The Lord has worked wonders since that time. Healed wounds. Grown us as individuals and as a couple.
See He's in the business of making broken things new - and we were broken
See here i am batting around the bush still not getting to the point.
Dave and I had premarital sex. And i got pregnant. And the world seemed to stop and collide all at once.  It was bad , it was rough. It was one of the hardest times but it was also the time in my life where I actually began to see Him for who he really is. Where I got to really experience his provision.
Where I watched him take the broken pieces and put the shattered bit back together - and his light got to shine through. That even in all this He would get the glory.
Part of this story is us going before the elders - before our pastor - telling them of our obvious sin and now the consequences but yet also somehow one of  the consequences (a baby)  was going to be a blessing ?  In all of this what our hearts longed for was to honor the Lord - in the filth and the dirt of sin - in the wreckage we created - in the hurt we caused our families, we wanted to use our response to honor him - we wanted to follow his will for our lives in the situation. Marriage was never a problem - we had known for a while that we wanted to get married. But how were we called to handle this situation.  After much prayer and counseling we decided to follow the wise counsel of our church leadership. So one sunday after church service - the pastor asked all members only stay - and they did - and we were called to the front (thank goodness we didn't have to speak i think i would have fainted - I also was new to this church and community - dave however grew up  here - his entire life. ) and it was spoken. And we asked for forgiveness - because we wanted restored fellowship with the church. We wanted fellowship. Most people wouldn't do this - most don't. These things happen and everyone goes about life like nothing really happened or they gossip behind closed doors - We wanted to be upfront . Honest. and honestly isn't this how we should deal with our sin - because our sin does affect the church body - no matter if it's visible or not - ours just happened to be very very visible - at least the results were. Afterwards The body was invited to come up to us if they wanted and to say anything they wanted. or not to. I kid you not. Every. Single. Person. got up and a line formed. We were met with love. unconditional love. tears and love. hugs. embraces. words of encouragement. None of this we deserved. It was one of the most precious memories I will ever hold on to. The day I got to witness the body of christ love unconditionally. To show me , pretty much a stranger love like i had never seen.
A month later we were officially engaged and another month later married.
He redeemed that situation - in that moment i believe. It was a picture .
And yesterday we were called before the church for much different reasons.
It was sweet. It was a precious gift. For me personally. For my husband. Those precious men praying for this trip and for my family. Their hands on my husband and i. It was a good day. It was a sweet day.
I could go on but all i can muster is He makes broken things new.
He's in the business of redeeming.
He has been unbelievable gracious to us.
Tomorrow I get on a plane to go to Africa - to do photography for a mission organization.
Are you kidding me?? Me? who am i that i would get to go

One Eyed Dog

4 more full days with the family.
4
I hadn't been counting - i stopped counting after 9 or 8 days.
I knew the weekend was coming
But last night as we laid in bed the number came up
and that stretched out feeling
that underlying nerves feeling - i can't even describe it - it crept back up. it had been gone

With everything - the baby steps and the field trip - these special words that the lord uses to remind me - i find myself in situations or places in time going ok lord what do you have for me today - what do you have to show me? my parents are out of town and i'm watching after their boston terrier pups. One of which has a million health issues and only one eye. This morning i get up early get in the car and head over. I'm greeted upon entering the house with a nice surprise - the cyclopes dog has peed in his bowl and poo is everywhere - the walls the floor - when he gets out the cage it is falling off of him a nice trail to the back door- i've only been awake 10 minutes.
I'm outside turning on the hose to give said dog a bath and as i'm standing there i just go really lord? this is what you have for me right now ? to start the day off this??? why ? of all things this ?
what normally is a 15-20 trip has turned into a 50 minute trip - calling david to alert him and ask him to help get riley ready.  Back at the house it's clean up as best as i can as quickly as i can. On top of all this cyclopes won't take his medicine either. I'm feeling defeated by this one eyed metal jawed 10 year old black and white dog. i don't wanna force him to take the medicine because it's obvious he doesn't feel good - and he's anxious - you see my parents just got back from a trip and are now gone again. I'm starting to think this dog has made himself sick . That he is so anxious and worked up and can't take that my dad isn't there that he's just got ibs. I went back later this am to take the trash out - with all the disgustingness in it , check on the dog again - no improvement- and try to clean up some more - i tried to clean the bowl but it honestly needs a good hand washing and at this point in the day i have kids with me - kids that well cyclopes doesn't like tiny people - he puts up with him but you can tell it puts him on edge - it upsets his environment or some junk . so i can't take em in at this point i don't wanna risk adding to his pain and unease. so we are back at this question - why
I started to continue to ask the lord why this - why now - why today -
If you hadn't gathered yet my parents love this dog - more specifically my dad. it's his dog. he's had eye surgery , he has had a metal plate put in because he broke his jaw. he has seizures and is on pain meds , his eye is acting up so he's got eye drops now . and then there's some other pill he has to take not sure what that one's for. Needless to say they love him and they've invested - you invest your time , your money in what you love.
So as i clean poo off the walls and floor and try to save some seriously disgusting towels and comfort cyclopes. I figure , I begin to see it as , a way to love my parents - to show them love in this simple act of taking care of their dog. I think i'm gonna have to hand wash that bowl........
Can i tangibly show my parents the love of christ through this . I think so
I hope so .
I hope they see something - I hope they see him. In the little details

Here's hoping i can clean that kennel get it put back together and all before they get home - all in a fairly quick amount of time with children in the car looking on.

It's the field trip he has me on for the day.
Now to count it all Joy - and with thanksgiving.

Rain

It rained yesterday . Out of no where.
I know - you're thinking so what.
Well I had been praying for rain. I just wanted one good proper rain storm . dark skies. rain falling
I just wanted to run outside and dance in it . stand in it. bask in it. enjoy it fully.
But it's been dry and hot - September is one of the hottest months ever and always in MS.
New Tribes actually has a tribal training area in MS that is used to prepare people for tribal living - because it's always so stinkin hot and humid here.  Don't get me wrong I love Ms - i love the south. It's humidity and all - i wouldn't trade it. But it hadn't rained in weeks.
And September in Malawi is supposedly their dryiest time.
If you've ever seen the movie big fish there is this scene where the main character is in the bath tub fully clothed - his wife walks in and he says "i was all dried out"
I feel that way from time to time - this was one of them - i ached for rain.
and the Lord brought me rain - a proper rain.  dark skies and falling heavy cold rain.
It was fabulous - i dropped what i was doing and ran
in the middle of my garden. Z ran out after me - to join me in this joyful time.
We danced. We stood, we twirled. We opened our mouths to drink it in.
We played and stomped.
We got fully drenched.
We enjoyed his gift.
His creation.
My heart was full of thanksgiving and worship.

It was a sweet sweet gift.

I've prayed for rain in Africa - I wanna dance in it there too.

My soul will rest in your embrace.

Yesterday I spent part of the day pre-packing - getting my bag prepped and ready - except for the last minute things plus prepping my camera bag.
The weekend is jam packed , along with monday of next week - meaning - packing the morning or night before - i most likely would forget a lot - going through my checklist , items and notes slowly was so nice. And took a huge weight off. I'm really wanting to soak up the weekend and just enjoy and be in the moment- no distractions.

Last night we had our women's bible study - which i have come to miss so much when we are on our off weeks - i crave the fellowship and learning together - plus what once was just the 'young' women of the church has now grown to include the 'older' ladies of the church as well. I love getting to know them better , deeper , getting to see their hearts. It's really a neat time.
Peterka's (the founder of WTS) heart for this group that i'll be with next week was for unity - for the team to have unity. It was so neat that Unity was one of the things we spoke about last night- and that God is in the details. We looked at Psalm 133 and Exodus 24 and 30.
As we looked over these verses it became my heart cry for the team as well - i got a clearer picture of unity - That the unity of the team would smell so sweet that it would reveal his glory to others - that it would draw others in to him.

Personally , he gave me a verse in the middle of this study - a sweet word.
Ps 45:11- For your royal husband delights in your beauty; honor him for he is your Lord.

- he delights in me. To me that is a stunning sentence , a breathtaking sentence. He really delights in me- not because i'm special in my own ability or that i'm a good person or have some amazing quality - not at all. He delights in me because : he loves me unconditionally and when he sees me he sees his son - because of his work on the cross. It's too sweet, it's too good. I'm so undeserving. but i want to hold on to that right there. grasping it. letting it sink in.

After the study was over we finished out the night in prayer .
They prayed for me.
In the middle of this home - in the middle of the floor i sat. And these sweet woman put their hands on me and prayed. That the Lord would use it. That during on this he would be doing something in me , in my heart. And he did and it was sweet. Prayer - for me it means so much to know people are praying - but to get to witness it. To know that when they are praying the Spirit, THE SPIRIT, is guiding them leading them in how to pray. And that i get to hear it.

:::my soul will rest in your embrace::::
This followed me the rest of the night - rest in your embrace. To rest in his embrace.
To trust him - to rest there.
in his embrace. He's not some far off god. No . He is the Almighty Lord , and he will never leave me - he is with me always - to the end. He is here.
it's too good, too wonderful, too amazing.


The night ended with my husband - who while i was gone - had loved our children well - played and horsed around - some of which ended with Z my youngest hitting her head - which upset her - ( she can get herself so worked up that she can make herself throw up - no joke .) so she was upset - dave gave her juice - which she couldn't drink properly cause she was still yelling and crying - so she choked on some of it - which well of course resulted in her throwing up. which upset her more so she threw up some more. And my husband handled it amazingly - cleaning her up , washing the clothes , giving her a bath. Followed by sweet story time about Jesus - and how he never leaves us - sweet talks about Jesus. It was amazing to see how he handled it all without me there - yes i was around the corner but i never received a phone call about what to do (though after the story i did give him pointers about getting zoe to calm down by helping her regulate her breathing - telling her to take deep breathes - just to avoid throw up in the future ;) ). He was fine - the Lord was with him - and they managed it all fine without me - My Abba has them - and he sweetly let me see it - he's got them covered.
After the excitement and children where down my sweet husband spent the night learning 'Oceans'.
Which he surprised me with when i walked in the door - after the story above.
So the night ended with worship time - getting to worship with my sweet husband.
"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders , let me walk upon the waters where ever you would call me...."
we are singing this together -
and then my husband sings it - where ever you would call us.
tears
as we worshiped together.
as my husband lead worship.
I can't even begin to really communicate the sweetness in that moment in that time together.

We are in this neat place as a family.
I'm looking forward to the days ahead. to get to spend time with each one of them individually
To love them.  Not with my love but with the love of christ.

In what could be a scary time - a time of unknowns, of being out of comfort zones. of stretching , and a stripping away . It's rest. It's peace.

I have no idea what is waiting on the other side of that vast ocean but I am so excited to see what He has for me there.

Where Feet May Fail

We've just gotten home from church. The girls are eating lunch . Dave is off to work the last day at celtic fest. The washing machine is washing load 1 of the weeks worth of life that has rubbed it's way into our clothes, some dirt, some sweat, some left over evidence of what we've eaten this week.
And i'm in my favorite room sitting , writing here.
Our church has been taking a look at grace giving. studying it. Why we do it , what it is.
I feel like i've been living that , receiving that. Every gift, every donation , all if it is grace. When giving out of that place - from grace - you give when you can , what you can and it's a pure privilege to give. I'm horrible at reconvey-ing things - so i'm gonna stop there - my point is - through all of this - whether it was 1 dollar or more I saw and viewed it all as a gift. as pure grace - and that the giver gave what they could - and it was overwhelming - each dollar - floored by the grace - no one had to give - no one was bound to give - it was a gift freely given. I look back on all of this - the fundraising - the needs that needed to be met - and i love that place - of sitting and resting and watching him provide. It has been amazingly sweet- to lift up a request - purely to him and a few days later and unexpected gift in the mail. a gift meeting that request that i just mentioned to him. It has left me in tears before him. I am so undeserving. Why are you so good Lord? Why are you so gracious? I have done nothing to deserve any of it. I'm left in awe before him. So grateful that when he looks at me - i am seen as clean before him - not because of anything i've done but because of his son. Thank you Lord!

thoughts tend to try to muddle in - as i clean the dishes and prepare for the day - clothes being washed , the girls wanna make a few bracelets , then to celtic fest , then back for dinner - possibly more bathes from the time in the mississippi weather that just is showing itself off - it's hot , it's humid , it's home. Thoughts muddle in .  What all do i need to get done , time , how , what , the when - it all swirls together . the overwhelming ness of it all starts to well up . and then I hear .
baby steps.
one thing at a time - i'll show you.  not ten paces ahead - just now - just here -
I'm a planner , i'm this mess of a thinker -feeler-doer all rolled into one. And here he has me - he's stripped me of the planning - of the look of any control- taking it all bit by bit away - but he's left me here in my day to day with kids and family - (there can still me the look of control there - i can still try to wrap my fingers around something.) to try to look ahead and make some sort of plan - like anything i can plan is anywhere near as good as what he has. and he's sweetly whispering - rest . trust me.
i'll show you. wait - i'll show you .
being brought to this place of deeper rest , deeper trust.
of him holding out his hand for me to grab hold - as he runs forward - going look what i have to show you. we're on a daily field trip - of him saying look my precious daughter - look what i have for you - just this moment - just for today - here -
I'm wanting to , i'm learning to stay there - to not jump ahead - to stay there and enjoy and not miss what he has for that moment. I don't wanna miss it

where my trust is without borders.

so i leave you with this song that has rung true for the better part of this year - that has covered every inch of where he has me . that i'm still learning -
that speaks the cries of my heart.
Enjoy .

First Post

So the idea was to have a place - to write about before , during and after the journey to Africa. 
I don't expect to be able to communicate / blog a lot on the trip but the idea is that this will serve as a place to stay connected to all of you who have been an amazing support group , and who the Lord has used as a huge source of encouragement.  The ways in which the Lord has provided for this trip and made it possible still blows me away. 
So here we are roughly 9 days out before I leave. 
Today I got outfitted with a pair of lovely keens from my parents - i'm pretty pumped about them. Keen's maybe the least attractive shoes ever but they are pretty awesome. 
I also got the amazing gift of a hiking backpack - the bag i was planning on taking was majorly weighed down - heavy , and just didn't seem to carry right - was so awkward. I'm really not taking much - bare necessities. This new bag will hold it all nicely and will more evenly distribute the weight which i was sorely lacking. I'm thrilled and so uber grateful for this provision. 

So this weekend : it's Celtic fest - the hubs and i have been going together for the past 10 years - it's always a favorite and the last two he's worked - So this afternoon I'll load up the kids and we'll spend the afternoon evening there. They have this dance tonight - a Ceili - it's always a blast - so we'll dance - a perfect time and place to break in the new keens. 

I'm going to try to spend the next week blogging - daily - hopefully- about what's to come - sharing - it maybe a song - or just a word - or scripture - but i'll try to share as much as I can before I leave. 

So thank you 
Thank you for reading - for caring to type in an address in the search bar or click on a link. 
For supporting 
For your prayers. 
For the encouragement. 
For just walking along side. 

thank you.